Greatest Scheme Ever
by The Croc Shop
Summary: A small collection of vignettes starring everyone's favorite self-declared evil genius and lippy sidekick. Back to the Basics: "Behold, Shego! The first step in my new regimen to rediscover the tiny things that make evil so bad!"
1. Fast Food for the Soul

Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own any characters or concepts related to _Kim Possible._ This is a nonprofit work of fanfiction.

**Greatest Scheme Ever **is a (small) collection of comedic vignettes starring Drakken and Shego. I wrote the first three way back in 2007, posted them to my then-livejournal, and forgot about them. It only took three years for me to think, "Hey! I could cross-post these things somewhere! But where? Where could I possibly cross-post them? Of course! FFN! Memlu, you genius, you've done it again." So there you go. Some unnecessary and uninteresting backstory, and we're good for business. Thumbs up!

This is set after _So the Drama_, but probably before _Graduation_. I think.

* * *

**Fast Food for the Soul**

* * *

"Back," said Shego as she came through the door, grease-stained paper bag -- _Salty Dave's Fast Food Pick-Up!_ it said in large cartoon letters -- held out at arm's length. "And I've got your salt-encrusted heart attack with me." She tossed the bag at Drakken and dropped into the chair nearest to the door. "Don't know why you couldn't just send one of your minions. Let someone else have the fun for a change."

Drakken waved her off with a snort and a sneer. "Oh, they never get it right," he said. "Why, just the other day--" He broke off.

"Just the other day what? I'm riveted here." She slipped the earbuds out of her pocket. "Really," she said, leaning back. "Just dying to hear how this one ends."

"Shego," said Drakken. He stared down into the bag, grease dripping ominously between his fingers. "This is not what I ordered."

"What's that?" Shego paused, earbuds pinched neatly between her fingers. "You wanted the Li'l Pals meal, didn't you?"

The corners of his mouth slowly drew tight, then -- like clockwork -- down they turned. "No," he said. "That isn't what I wanted at all. Where is my Mondo Burger?"

Shego mimed surprise, touching her hands to her collar. "Ohhhh! You wanted the _Mondo_ Burger. Really? Well, you have to admit, they do sound similar."

"They sound nothing alike!" Drakken shouted, hurling the bag at the stone floor with what he hoped came across more as righteous fury than meaningless petulance.

The bag landed with a squelch. "Howdy, pardner!" it said.

Drakken froze. "Shego--"

"It's a toy," she said, popping the earbuds in and kicking her heels up on the glass table he'd imported from Hong Kong just the other day (naturally, he thought; she had no respect for any of his things). "You know, they come with the meal? You'd think someone with your vast experience in the fast food industry would know that sort of thing."

He tapped his fingers together, then nudged the bag with one foot. "What kind of toy is it?" he said.

"Why don't you open it and find out?"

"Well, maybe I will!" he snapped.

He had no choice then. It was carry out his word or concede victory to Shego's back. He shoved his hand into the bag and ruffled through the napkins, the little packets of assorted condiments (oh, he hoped she'd at least remembered the barbecue sauce), the box of chicken pops that came with the meal. Most likely the toy was some cheap, plastic thing made in China. His Little Diablos had been made of much sturdier materials; nothing like what he grasped--

He withdrew the prize. A grinning, misshapen cowboy stared up at him, painted stubble shadowing its face, that foul pool of grease spattered across its plastic vest.

"It looks like a hobo," he said. "Shego, you've bought me a homeless plastic man!"

She waved him off. "Shh! Music. Not caring."

"They didn't even _bag_ it," he said, poking at the row of plastic buttons down its front. "Remind me to never order from Salty Dave's again. They obviously--ahhh!"

"Hee hee!" The toy jiggled against his palm. "That's a right good one, pardner. Ha ha ha! Hee hee!"

"Ha!" Drakken clapped a hand to his mouth. "Oh, my," he said. "What an infectious laugh it has. Something of a hairtrigger response, though." He tilted his head. "I suppose now that I look at it, it does have a bit of a scampish charm."

"Are you still talking?" said Shego.

"Don't think I'm not still angry with you," Drakken said to her back. "Those chicken pops are hardly filling."

"Whatever," she said, settling back. "You two crazy kids have fun."

"Did you get any of those little packets of barbecue sauce?" he said.

* * *

This story was originally posted at livejournal on 03/20/2007, for livejournal user **ew_younerd**.


	2. Back to the Basics

Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own any characters or concepts related to _Kim Possible._ This is a nonprofit work of fanfiction.

As before, this is set at mumble-mumble-discreet cough. But definitely before _Graduation_!

* * *

**Back to the Basics**

* * *

"Shego! Pay attention to me!"

"You got it, Dr. D," she said. He waited a moment for her to fix the appropriate expression of interest on her face, but Shego merely turned to the next page in her magazine.

Drakken whirled about so his coat flared impressively around his ankles. "Shego, I have discovered a fatal flaw in my technique."

"Do tell."

"But I have also--" He paused dramatically, hand lifted to the ceiling in a gesture of triumph.

Shego yawned, then flipped the page again.

"Shego!"

"Oh, what? Did you want something from me?"

"A little audience participation would be welcome," he said, tapping his foot.

Shego rolled her eyes. "Oh, Doctor D," she said, twirling her hand, "whatever have you discovered. Blah, blah, blah."

"I'm glad you asked, Shego," he told her. "For I have also discovered the solution! ..._Shego!_"

"Oh, Doctor D, whatever is the solution."

Drakken pounded his fist upon the open palm of his other hand. "Minion!" he bellowed. "Release the solution!"

A door on the far side of the conference room swept open and through it came Minion B, a large box held close to his chest.

"Behold, Shego!" said Drakken, lifting both fists into the air. "The first step in my new regimen to rediscover the tiny things that make evil so bad!"

The minion very carefully set the box on the lopsided conference table, which shook beneath the weight of his load. "Go get a phonebook or something," Drakken told the minion. "Do you see now, Shego?"

Shego looked up from her magazine. "Oh, goodie," she said. "A box."

"Wha-- no! The _contents_ of the box!" And with a sneer, Drakken knocked the box over so its cargo spilled out upon the table.

Shego stared at the table.

"Okay," she said. "Your solution is puppies."

"They're adorable, aren't they," said Drakken. "Look at their little faces! Their little paws! That one over there is a bit slower than the rest. I feel a -- a sort of connection with the poor thing, a sort of pitiful _sympathy_."

"Pitiful is right. I mean, what could you possibly use--"

"I will kick them!"

Shego stopped. One of the puppies yawned, showing a flash of pink tongue and a row of small, white teeth.

"Excuse me?" she said after a moment.

"Shego," he said, setting one hand upon his hip and holding the other to his brow, "I've grown rusty, forgetful of what it truly means to be evil. I hope that by returning to the basics--"

"You're kicking _puppies_, Drakken. That's hardly--"

He stamped his foot hard upon the floor. "I am talking here, Shego! Now, where was -- ah, yes." Drakken assumed the appropriately triumphant pose. "And do you know what I'm going to do when I've finished kicking them? I'll throw them in the water! In a box!"

"Wow, you know, it's -- it's just so weird," said Shego. "You're disgusting and pathetic at the _same time_. I mean -- how do you even live with yourself?"

"And when I have finished with the puppies," said Drakken, "it's on to step two! Shego, if you would. Shego!"

"Oh, Doctor D, whatever could be more evil than kicking puppies."

"Stealing money from schoolchildren," Drakken bubbled, clapping his hands. "And that's only the second step! I made a list last night. Look, look, I'll show it to you. Oh, it's going to be so much fun!"

"Oh, joy," said Shego. "Fun."

* * *

This story was originally posted at livejournal on 03/21/2007, for livejournal user **squeemu**.

Thanks to **Shockwave88 **(true, Drakken's never seen the point in discarding a perfectly good plan: just because it didn't work that one time doesn't mean it won't work this time, after a few modifications, of course), **RonHeartbreaker**, and **Sunflare2k5** (now you're thinking like a supervillain!) for your kind and excellent words on the preceding piece. I'm super-glad you guys enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed this one as well.

(**RonHeartbreaker**, what happened was, I stumbled upon your fic last week when I finally set out to find decent KP fic, at which point I exploded into a shower of cartoon hearts and maybe flopped around a little in joy. I'm definitely planning on reviewing your stuff, it's just a matter of gathering together the appropriate amount of dignity and maturity needed to compose a coherent review. Also I'm afraid I might come off as kind of a creeper.)


End file.
